Monday, January 20, 2014

The journey

  In the beginning a self-centered and egotistical boy met a loving, compassionate, and caring girl.  Their lives traveling completely separate paths converged in a small hallway.  Their eyes met and a small conversation was had.  In the end the boy was happy because the girl gave him her phone number and he had a chance to get to know her better.  From the first date the two have been inseparable.  A year later they were married and began a new journey together.  When their first child was born the boy was lost, confused, and did not feel ready or stable enough for a family.  He struggled to keep a job while the girl kept picking him back up and telling him it was ok.  Then the news of a second child coming came.  This shook the boy into a dose of reality, he had to find that stability or he would lose everything. 

This began an 8 year mission in the US military.  During that time the girl and boy moved a lot.  First to California and then to Washington.  The military was a great thing for this now young man.  It taught him all the things he needed to know.  He learned responsibility, loyalty, pride, and stability.  The entire time his number one supporter, the girl, was busy trying to figure it all out.  She loved the young man but he was cold and distant.  Of course she knew it was because of how he was raised and his example of a father was sorely lacking, but that didn't make it any easier for her.  She came from a loving and supportive family.  She was used to giving all of herself and getting that love in return.  Then came the time for the young man to deploy to a war zone.  He realized a short time before leaving that he needed to change or once again he would lose everything.  As the girl dropped him off he watched as she cried.  He wanted so bad to hold her and tell her it would be ok but he knew he had to go.  Once he was gone she was free.  She was able to find things she liked.  She was able to realize she was much happier with him gone.  A few months into the deployment she gave him the news, she wanted a divorce.  Thousands of miles away all the work he had been doing seemed pointless and all he wanted to do was hang on to any hope.  He found faith again and it only got worse.  The more he tried to do the right things the worse it got.  He kept the hope every day things would be alright once he got back home.  Then the time came and he returned home.  Almost immediately she left their now three kids with him and went to visit he parents and decide her ultimate decision.  Through phone calls daily and a ton of begging and pleading the girl made the choice to give this man another chance.  Shortly after that the military was taken away from him.  Once again he was a lost boy in the "real" world.

They packed up and moved once again this time to Texas.  Even though he was only there with them for a short time he got a job.  Unfortunately it was in New Mexico.  He once again left his family for three months and tried to find a place for them to call home.  They lived there for three years.  Things seemed to be going ok until the boy fell back on bad habits.  Anger issues, depression, and general assholishness.  The girl reached another breaking point and once again the words were brought out, divorce. 

The boy was now shattered once again.  While he made his mistakes the girl was not without fault.  Their paths had become forever entwined.  He cannot live without her and she cannot live without him.  They found comfort for a while before this in their D/S relationship.  That too due to his neglect has fallen by the wayside.  Everything he touches falls apart.  Yet even through everything the girl has been his biggest fan.  She has stood by his side.  She tells him he can do anything he puts his mind to.  The problem with that is his mind is like a huge desk full of papers and he struggles to find anything.  He is trying hard to have everything in a place he can find it.  He thinks she knows how much he cares and how hard he is struggling to make it work. 

Now they have found a comfort of sorts in Arizona.  Hopefully their path will get clearer and the pastures greener.  The boy will keep his fingers crossed and his mind on the right things.  The one thing she needs he has to find a way to give it to her.  He needs his little girl and she needs her daddy.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Need help from the community!

So I have decided to draft and implement a guide for my Little Butterfly. It will be an all-inclusive guide for our relationship. I want to make different sections labeled as such: Rules and Expectations for LB, Expectations for Daddy, Rewards, Consequences, and Discipline Positions.
This is where I need some input from both sides of the coin here. What kinds of rewards/consequences and disciplinary positions do you find most helpful? What do you find does not work as well? I ask because I want to broaden my scope of knowledge and provide the most effective way to keep my Little Butterfly sorted out. Thank you for all of your input and advice!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Update from Little Butterfly and Daddy

So it has been like forever since I posted in here. We are settling into our new city well and trying to get things more calm to get back to work. LB got a job about a month or so ago and she is loving it! She is a Copy Editor for a company that builds books for trade shows and such. To say I am proud of my Little Girl would be an understatement. She is doing great at the job, making friends, and impressing people everyday! Now more on the personal side we are struggling. We are to tired, stressed, and hard headed and that is hurting us. But right before she went on her roadtrip this week we had a good "discussion" even if it was a little more agressive than we would normally speak with one another. We hashed a lot out and are going to hopefully get to work when she gets back next week. I have been keeping up with all of you even if I am not posting on your pages. Please keep us in your thoughts and I hope to post here more to handle this side of my thoughts and feelings! Thanks, J

Monday, March 11, 2013

Why would TV divide us?

Wow months have gone by since I last posted on here.  Since then not much has changed.  We are still in Tucson, still settling in, and still working towards common goals.  LB is still not doing well physically.  She has developed new symptoms and it is adding a lot of downtime for her.  But we have found a nuerologist and hopefully we are going to be on a path to recovery.  So why am I here today?  Because of the TV show The Walking Dead.  We recently started watching the series on Netflix.  So the past 2 episodes we watched have led to a few interesting discussions I feel like sharing.

First thing I should say is LB has always told me I am a true natural born leader.  The kind of guy to walk into a room and have everyone turn to take a look at him.  So the discussions we have had somewhat shook my base.  For those who dont watch here is a brief idea of the few characters I am going to reference:

Rick Grimes: Natural leader of the group.  Sheriff of a small town who gets left behind at a hospital after the zombies take over the world.  He later finds his wife, son, and best friend with a group of survivors.

Shane: Rick's best friend and deputy sheriff.  Took charge of Rick's family after everything went down and he assumed Rick dead.

Lori Grimes: Rick's wife.  "Leader" of the female side of things

Daryl Dixon: White trash hunter/tracker

As we have been watching I have always identified with Rick, the main character and natural leader of the living group.  LB has built my confidence into believing I was that guy.  The natural leader people could count on.  I have always looked at Shane more as my friend G.  He is savvy with weapons, detached from most emotion, and carries a lot of false bravado.  Shane is very good at keeping things safe without worrying about his emotions getting in the way.  He acted as the leader until Rick rejoined them.  So the dynamic is weird between these two for one reason, Lori.  When Shane thought Rick was dead he found Lori and Rick's son and protected them with everything he had.  This of course led to Lori and Shane having "relations".  Once Rick came back Lori cut that off and left Shane with no one.  Shane feeling all alone kind of turned into an A-Hole.  He tried to force himself on Lori at one point and told her he loved her and Rick couldnt protect her and her son.  She denied him and stayed true to Rick.  All that being said here is why it is important, LB told me today she thought of me as Shane!  Said when I feel left out I turn into an A-Hole like that.  This threw me for a loop.  Here I had been built up thinking I had gotten better and became more like Rick because she constantly tells me I was like that.  All of the sudden that wasnt the case.

I am not sure why it went down that way or why I am looked at different now.  I dont really know what to think.  I am hoping by sharing this little story you guys might have some ideas for me.  So if you have any input please help me out!



Monday, December 24, 2012

End of year review

So for most of you who follow my and LB it has been half a year of news and then not much for the last 6 months.  Well I hope things change in the new year and we can be more active.  We do still keep up with all of your blogs and enjoy reading about your lives and adventures.  For now I will say Merry Christmas to all of you and good tidings for the New Year!


Friday, December 7, 2012


Wow has it really been 6 months since I last posted?  I feel like I left this blog behind but feel I need to start writting again.  LB and I recently moved to Tucson, AZ because I got a new job.  I came out about 6 weeks early and tried my best to give us a solid place to settle and hopefully stay.  In the 14 years we have been together we have moved so many times I cannot even count.  She has taken a majority of the burden for the moves because of the military or work circumstances, and I honestly don't know how she does it.  But back to what I was writting about, changes.

We moved away from G.  This has really upset LB as she relied on him for emotional support.  While I am always there and available to her our past prevents her from being totally open with me.  G came in as the second Dom and things were fine, but as she grew closer to him and opened up more I felt left behind.  No longer were we chatting all night about anything and everything.  A majority of the time I was left alone to sleep while she went and talked to G.  To say I didn't think a lot of bad things would be a lie.  It is hard to know your spouse is growing close to someone you trust and thinking anything ill is happening.  So moving here I knew would be hard.  I constantly strive to be there and available.  Try to be the best Daddy and father I can be.  Try to do better in all aspects of life.  And I am doing well.  We are talking more and in general getting closer than we have been in a while.  I like that.  After Christmas LB is going to visit her family in TX and stopping in NM to stay with G, it is about half way and a good stopping point, but I am worried about this for those stupid reasons again.  I hope things are ok and I can get over my adverse reaction to this.

Moving to Tucson has been really good for us.  I am happier and more at ease, the kids have more to go do around the neighborhood, and we have more stuff to do in general that doesnt cost anything.  I hope to be able to keep you guys updated more frequently about us and where we are going, what we are doing, and how things are going.  LB might be blogging again soon, we shall see.  So thats where we are at.


Saturday, June 30, 2012

Where it all started

  A lot of you might be wondering what is going on with me and LB.  Well we are working through a lot of stuff right now and she decided to take a little break from blogging.  So send her your well wishes and let her know you are thinking about her :)

So the point of this blog is simple, explain how it all started.

  So when I was 18 I decided it would be a good idea to enroll in a modeling class to meet hot girls.  Seems easy enough right.  Well there was a girl all 3 of us guys had our eyes on, but it was because she was "blessed" we will say.  She was really snobby with no personality really.  My little LB was shy, reserved and there to actually become a model and make a living at it.  Because of her shyness she went relatively unnoticed by me.  That is until we graduated.  As I was getting my coat from the closet at the school I turned around and there she was.  She had forgetten her coat and had come back in to get it.  We got to chatting a little bit and she of all people made the move to give me her number.  I had played it like "Oh it's to bad the class is over, guess we won't see each other again."  She came back with some line about we don't have to why don't I give you my number.  Now on a side note for years in my childhood I had a vivid dream about that very encounter.  The only difference being I was not able to see the face of the person I was talking to in that hallway.  But while it was happening I had a deja vu and realized it was the same dream in real life!  So we set a date and it was something that was going to change my life forever.  Our first date was memorable in many ways.  She was a shy sublike girl and I was an overbearing, self centered, egotistical jerk.  Looking back I am so amazed she even gave me a second date, let alone 13 years of our lives so far.  We went to the local university and played a little basketball.  Then my jerk side told her "why don't you sit downa and let me show you how to shoot better" Yeah I know jerk alert!  Looking back I can definitely see how far I have come as a person.  I am still some of those things slightly, somedays more than others, but I am trying hard to set a better example for my kids.  After that we went to lunch and then hung out the rest of the day.  Around 2 am she told me she should be getting home, she was staying with family friends.  Then realized it was 2 am and said she couldnt go back that late and she would sleep on the couch.  I insisted she sleep in my bed with me but warned her I slept naked, yeah I know jerk move.  Up til that point I had never in my life slept naked!  She agreed but said no funny business would happen.  Well one thing led to another and I cohersed her into sleeping with me.  Looking back I was a real jerk.  Well something changed that night.  Up til then I was a player.  I would have more than one woman in my life at a time.  Well when she woke up the next day she wanted to leave.  As we were getting ready to leave it hit me that I couldn't let her go.  The butterfly effect hit me hard.  I told her I couldn't let her leave, knowing she was fully ready to walk out and never see me again.  I broke down and cried for the first time in a long time, she will tell you it was all an act.  I couldn't explain it but I knew then she was put on the earth for me.  I told her that as she stood across the room.  After I got done blabbing on she came over and sat next to me and said "if it means that much to you I will stay".  From that day on we were never apart.  We got married on our 1 year anniversary.

  So here we are 13 years and many huge mountains of troubles and issues later.  I think we have grown together instead of apart.  Yes we are polar opposites.  Yes we should not have anything in common.  Yes she deserves a much more perfect guy than me.  But I love her and she loves me.  We fill the void in each other.  What I lack she has and vice versa.  We complete each other.

  So thats how it all began.  Just been in a real mood to remember things and see how far we have come.  Hope you enjoyed it.  LB will be back on blogger someday I am sure.  For now we all must wait :)