Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ok not D/S but my thoughts

So I know this blog is for D/S side of me but I wanted to paste something I wrote on myspace to get your inputs as it is affecting my ability to be a good Dom.

So I hardly ever get on myspace anymore cause I have moved to facebook, but I wanted to write this blog and did not want my in laws to see it so I have to put it here.  This year has absolutely sucked.  The first half was ok then my company got bought out and it was all downhill.  In July I had 2 operations and the first one almost killed me.  Then after I got back to work I got fired.  So since Nov 10 I have been unemployed.  The entire time we have lived in this new house we have been late on rent due to me not having an income most of the time and now our landlord is threatening to kick us out.  So I was listening to music today and came across a song by Boondox.  He is a rapper on Psychopathic records.  It is called "We all fall" it spoke so loudly to me and made me cry.  Here are the lyrics:

[Chorus (x2)]

See the leaves falling to the ground
See them falling all around
On the cemetary mound

Teardrops on my notepad
Dope sick feels so bad
Everything seems so fucked up
I'm about to go mad

My life tried to live right
This night hope will end right
Hell's doors open wide
Inside here's your invite

One breath should I use it?
Life/Death should I choose it?
Legacy, life of me
Hear my voice in this music

Phone calls to a few peeps
No promises to keep
Close my eyes kiss the sky
And Then just go to sleep

So long tried to hold on
So long tried to stay strong
Everything that I know and grow
Now seems long gone

No more hearing "I should try"
No more wishing I would die
Close my eyes, let it go
And leave you with "Goodbye"

[Chorus (x2)]

See the leaves falling to the ground
See them falling all around
On the cemetary mound

Everybodies gonna die some day [x2]

One love to all those
That got me through the lows
And stood by my side
And they came out to my shows

And gave me a reason
To pick up this hatchet
And run with the family
Scream Psychopathic

I wanna thank you for the time spent
You don't know how much it really meant
To have a family show love to a scrub
Who came up from shit

I hope you know that I give all
You show me how to always stand tall
Brought me from the grip of death
So know that I love yall

[Chorus (x4)]

See the leaves falling to the ground
See them falling all around
On the cemetary mound

Everybodies gonna die some day [x2]

See the leaves falling to the ground
See them falling all around
On the cemetary mound

[Chorus (x2)]

See the leaves falling to the ground

In the end his outcome is good and he can see the light in the darkness, but in my case I cannot.  I am getting so depressed and feel so worthless.  Kristina's medical issues are getting worse and we have no medical insurance to even get her in to be seen.  My stupid surgery has left me half the man I was at best.  I am constantly in pain but afraid to show it because of what Kristina is going through.  I have to be the strong one.  I am so alone and feel like I am really worthless in the eyes of my wife and kids.  Even on the days it is really bad and I hope she will offer to give me a back rub or something she is always asleep or in pain herself.  I mean how selfish is it of me to want these things when she is miserable too.  I have so often considered leaving and just disappearing into the ether.  I know she would be better and stronger and be able to give our sons all the things they need.  My only hope is a lawsuit that may or may not take place against the hospital that almost killed me.  But when I am happy thinking about it she reminds me how hopeless that venture is and how I should really not expect anything to come from it.  Then my mind immediately goes back to thinking horrible things.  I just want for a while to have things work out.  To find a great job and have the money to not have to worry about the bill collectors and where we are going to find money to pay them.  I guess I should accept my circumstance and just fade away it would make it easier on everyone.  Anyway enough depressing stuff I need to figure out how I am going to get tired enough to go to bed.

So thats where I am and I have really began letting my Dom stuff go by the wayside.  Is there any advice as to what I can do to make any of this better?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Where am I going?

Well my life certainly has been interesting since I last blogged.  About 2 weeks ago I was laid off from my job.  Not for performance or any other valid reason, but because they needed to save money and this stupid state does not require them to have a reason for it.  So since Nov 10th I have been looking, unsuccessfully,  for a job.  The one bright spot in all of this is that I have had enough time during the week to effectively manage my subs routine and attitudes :)  Last week I decided that on Thursday when we normally do he punishments I would take her to the zoo instead.  I really enjoyed myself.  It felt good to have my little girl walking arm in arm with me around the zoo.  She got so excited when we were near the monkeys and they actually were interacting with her.  It was a very nice day.  Then Friday came along and messed up my whole week.  I went to the doctor because of the terrible pains I have been having in my stomach from my surgery earlier in the summer.  After examination he says I have a hernia and will need another operation to fix it!  Well last time I was in this hospital they almost killed me, no really I had 5 major organs shut down.  So I have a cat scan this week to determine how serious this is.  If it is going to require an immediate operation I am going to have the tell him I wont do it here but in Lubbock instead.  So anyway a quick update as it is going on 2 am here.  Hopefully Monday I can take care of my little girls book from last week.  I have been way to hurt to do it and it is starting to show in her bratty attitude.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Delayed but successful

So last week I had full intention of reviewing my subs journal and using my lunch hour Thursday for the discipline.  Well unfortunately Thursday my boss decided it was time for a team lunch so  I figured Friday would be ok, well I didn't make it home that day either.  So disappointed I assumed I would not be able to find "kid free" time to do the session.  Well on Saturday good fortune smiled upon me as my kids were invited to their friends house for some playtime!  So I proceeded to tell my little girl to go into our room and open "the trunk" and assume the position.  A few minutes later I went in and found her with the paddle on the bed next to her positioned body :)  I really like the fact she is becoming so obedient.  So I looked in the trunk and noticed a few instruments we had not used for some time, thinner paddle, big paddle, and my favorite cane.  She owed my 90 swats this week which is about 30 more than last week.  So I started a little lighter in hopes of warming her up.  Around swat 45 I decided to move to the big paddle.  Then around 70 I moved to my favorite.  She hates it but I love it, besides punishment is not meant to be fun for her.  As I was giving her this punishment I noticed it really was turning me on.  So when I got done I got behind her and took what I wanted.  I just used her for my own pleasure.  It was the highlight of my weekend.  I am looking forward to this Thursday as my boss is no longer here to distract me.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Halloween

Ok so the weekend is over and Halloween went great!  My sub was very cute as she and I dressed like a demanding boss and his secretary for our church party, she completed the look with a bright red kiss mark on my cheek.  We had little things as well, I was wearing my wedding ring she was not, not sure anyone noticed this but I did.  So last night we went to several churches in the area that were having carnivals for the kids, we were in this one room watching our boys do a cake walk and there were several chairs on one side of the room and I asked her if she wanted to sit and she said no.  So I sat down and she was standing beside me.  She got a little bratty and I calmly "suggested" I should make her kneel next to my chair.  Then when she hesitated I jested "what you afraid of public displays of your submissiveness"  Next thing I know she is kneeling beside me with her palms face up on her thighs.  So I gently reached over and stroked the back of her head and neck to show my appreciation.  I guess there were several people looking at this, I didn't notice but she did, she told me that instead of it making her feel embarrased she liked it and it made her feel giddy.  So I guess I am doing something right this week. 
  On Friday we had our second weekly session for behavior correction.  It was almost twqice as many swats as last week.  I was a little upset about it.  I had to kinda rush through it because of errands we had to run.  But I managed to get through it and did not have any of the issues we had last week with the anger and such.  Maybe she is starting to feel more stable like I am actually going to hold her to all the things I expect.  I am trying really hard to live in my Dom phase all the time instead of falling into it when it is needed.  I am really feeling alot more in control of things and it is making me alot more comfortable in all aspects of my life.

J

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My sub

Ok so last week we had a session that I considered maintenance.  My sub however took it as a punishment session.  I have made sure she is keeping a journal of all of the things she is doing that violates the rules I have put in place.  Once a week I am checking the book and then on my lunch hour Thursday I am going to spank her appropriately.  Last week after I got done with this process she got extremely angry.  She lay in bed fuming for about 30 minutes and then proceeded to start working on a task I had asked her to do earlier in the week.  Is this a normal reaction for a sub?  A little while later she attempted to explain why she felt she was so angry.  I guess I do not understand what a maintenance spanking entails.  Can anyone explain to me the most effective way to do the maintenance?  I am really rather new to this and still trying to perfect being a Dom.  I am going to give another punishment spanking tomorrow and I will blog about the event and what the reactions were.  Thanks for the support and I hope you can help sculpt me into a better Dom!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

New to D/S and needing to learn

So I have decided to begin blogging and hopefully find other Doms that can help me refine my duties.  My Sub and I have been active in the D/S community for a little over 3 years.  Before that I had little knowledge or experience with that kind of relationship.  But mu sub was in need of more than I was offering so we discussed her needs and she gave me a lot of links about the topic.  I am still trying to learn and hoped that any other doms out there might be able to give me some tips, advice, etc.