Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ok not D/S but my thoughts

So I know this blog is for D/S side of me but I wanted to paste something I wrote on myspace to get your inputs as it is affecting my ability to be a good Dom.

So I hardly ever get on myspace anymore cause I have moved to facebook, but I wanted to write this blog and did not want my in laws to see it so I have to put it here.  This year has absolutely sucked.  The first half was ok then my company got bought out and it was all downhill.  In July I had 2 operations and the first one almost killed me.  Then after I got back to work I got fired.  So since Nov 10 I have been unemployed.  The entire time we have lived in this new house we have been late on rent due to me not having an income most of the time and now our landlord is threatening to kick us out.  So I was listening to music today and came across a song by Boondox.  He is a rapper on Psychopathic records.  It is called "We all fall" it spoke so loudly to me and made me cry.  Here are the lyrics:

[Chorus (x2)]

See the leaves falling to the ground
See them falling all around
On the cemetary mound

Teardrops on my notepad
Dope sick feels so bad
Everything seems so fucked up
I'm about to go mad

My life tried to live right
This night hope will end right
Hell's doors open wide
Inside here's your invite

One breath should I use it?
Life/Death should I choose it?
Legacy, life of me
Hear my voice in this music

Phone calls to a few peeps
No promises to keep
Close my eyes kiss the sky
And Then just go to sleep

So long tried to hold on
So long tried to stay strong
Everything that I know and grow
Now seems long gone

No more hearing "I should try"
No more wishing I would die
Close my eyes, let it go
And leave you with "Goodbye"

[Chorus (x2)]

See the leaves falling to the ground
See them falling all around
On the cemetary mound

Everybodies gonna die some day [x2]

One love to all those
That got me through the lows
And stood by my side
And they came out to my shows

And gave me a reason
To pick up this hatchet
And run with the family
Scream Psychopathic

I wanna thank you for the time spent
You don't know how much it really meant
To have a family show love to a scrub
Who came up from shit

I hope you know that I give all
You show me how to always stand tall
Brought me from the grip of death
So know that I love yall

[Chorus (x4)]

See the leaves falling to the ground
See them falling all around
On the cemetary mound

Everybodies gonna die some day [x2]

See the leaves falling to the ground
See them falling all around
On the cemetary mound

[Chorus (x2)]

See the leaves falling to the ground

In the end his outcome is good and he can see the light in the darkness, but in my case I cannot.  I am getting so depressed and feel so worthless.  Kristina's medical issues are getting worse and we have no medical insurance to even get her in to be seen.  My stupid surgery has left me half the man I was at best.  I am constantly in pain but afraid to show it because of what Kristina is going through.  I have to be the strong one.  I am so alone and feel like I am really worthless in the eyes of my wife and kids.  Even on the days it is really bad and I hope she will offer to give me a back rub or something she is always asleep or in pain herself.  I mean how selfish is it of me to want these things when she is miserable too.  I have so often considered leaving and just disappearing into the ether.  I know she would be better and stronger and be able to give our sons all the things they need.  My only hope is a lawsuit that may or may not take place against the hospital that almost killed me.  But when I am happy thinking about it she reminds me how hopeless that venture is and how I should really not expect anything to come from it.  Then my mind immediately goes back to thinking horrible things.  I just want for a while to have things work out.  To find a great job and have the money to not have to worry about the bill collectors and where we are going to find money to pay them.  I guess I should accept my circumstance and just fade away it would make it easier on everyone.  Anyway enough depressing stuff I need to figure out how I am going to get tired enough to go to bed.

So thats where I am and I have really began letting my Dom stuff go by the wayside.  Is there any advice as to what I can do to make any of this better?