Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Why?

  So the past few weeks I have been really feeling drained.  I have been feeling emotionally and physically drained.  I know as the Dom I am expected to not worry about such things and provide my little girl with all her needs, but I am really struggling to find the emotional capital to do it.  I feel like for the longest time I have been the support.  Like I am the rock and everyone in my life is the moss.  I feel like I have nothing left to give.  I am getting cranky, I can never sleep well, my children are not doing anything outside of being kids and I can't deal with it, and my little girl seems to have given up due to my inability to be a Dom.  Life has taken a turn physically as well.  My abdomen is always hurting.  It feels like I am constantly being stabbed in the stomach.  I know it is the hernia but I can't do anything to fix it right now.  Even when I have acted like a Dom and spanked my little girl I feel like it does not even matter.  Sure that night she might be better and happier but then the next day rolls around and she is bratty and acting up.  I know I am not doing things right and it is all my fault.  I enjoy being the daddy.  I enjoy her submission.  The major problem is she will only submit when punished and then only for a few hours to a day.  That small time is awesome and I love how trusting she is.  But I know she has not let me in completely.  She has many walls that she can't or wont break down.  She has fallen back on really bad habits to express feelings instead of talking to me.  She will not give.  I fell like she takes all the time and I get nothing in return.  Maybe that is why I have been less motivated to discipline correctly.  Maybe that is why I am feeling the way I do emotionally.  I am not looking at this blog to be my way of communicating with her but I can't talk to her right now cause it may all be in my head.  Maybe she sees it the exact opposite.  I am so confused and so depressed.  What good is a Dom who can't even take care of himself?

J